


The Gift

by Anonymous



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes (Downey films)
Genre: Asexual Sherlock Holmes, Asexual!Holmes, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-09-29 06:35:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17198378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: For tumblr kinkmeme prompt 296: Asexual!Sherlock can't come up with Christmas presents, so he decides his gift will be to have sex with everyone who wants him (which turns out to be everyone). Complications (and smut) ensue. (I know it's a little late for holiday prompts, but hell, I'd read this any time of year.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will be an extended multi-verse fic. As such, it might take some time.

“Holmes, it looks like we’ve received a Christmas gift from Scotland Yard.”

Holmes, sprawled out upon the sofa, pivots until he can just see the tasteful basket of citrus fruits Watson has placed upon the table. Rather expensive. Would have required a collection plate of sorts. He holds out his hand. Watson stares blankly at him.

“The card, Watson. Surely there is a gift card of some sort?”

“I don’t see— oh, here it is!” Watson hands the card to Holmes.

“Judging by the size and placement of the signatures, there are only two people who have contributed to this gift in any meaningful way...Lestrade and Hopkins.”

“Should we provide a gift in return?”

Holmes thinks for a moment. “I will take care of it.”

“You. You are going to go out and shop. Two days before Christmas.”

Holmes pauses again. “Watson, it is addressed to the both of us. Would you agree that any present given by myself would be logically presumed to have come from you as well?”

“I would say so, yes.”

“Good. Then you need not worry about a gift for Scotland Yard.”

Watson leaves the sitting room, mumbling just loudly enough for Holmes to hear that he doubts Holmes has even purchased a gift for him yet.

This is absolutely true.


	2. Chapter 2

Watson comes back from his surgery. Holmes is still reclining upon the sofa.

“I see you’ve made no effort to go holiday shopping, Holmes.”

“Unnecessary.”

“And what were you planning on doing, making them a pretty drawing? Writing a personalised poem about how very much you love them?”

Holmes’s smile was full of mischief. “Something a bit like that, yes.”

“Well, if it is to be from me as well, it better be good.”

“It will be exactly what they want but dare not ask for.”

“How much?”

“Pardon?”

“The cost, Holmes, how much? Just take it from my chequebook, I suppose.”

“Oh, no need. I will cover all applicable expenses. They will be minimal. I should have adequate supplies on hand.”

“I see.” Watson wrinkles his brow and his eyes drift to the side, “Very well. How long do you intend to play this game of not telling me, then? It is rapidly losing its charm.”

“Well, in that case,” he grins, “Before I outstay my charm, the present is me.”

Watson knows full-well what Holmes means by this, but he finds himself resisting the conclusion. “You mean... a... special case to solve?”

“Oh, no, I mean me. Myself. My body. To do with as the two of them see fit. Together or separately, though I should suspect together.” It is spoken casually. As if he is buying them each a new pair of gloves, or a nice hat.

Watson is not exactly shocked. With Holmes, indeed anything is possible. “And this is your alternative to going out into Oxford Street? To offer yourself up like some, some—“

“Watson! You are jealous!“

“I wouldn't say I was jealous! It’s just a highly inappropriate way to go about—“

“Yes. You are jealous.”

Watson sighs. “Well, if such a thing were to in any way be acceptable, which I would like to reiterate it isn't—“

“Yes, fine, go on...”

“I would have... liked to think... that I...”

“Warranted a gift as well.”

”This is ridiculous.”

“My dear Watson, were the gift for me, there is no one I would prefer more.”

“Well, it’s just that— Holmes! Are you serious? You have an interest in such matters? I had always assumed that—“

“Oh, no. None whatsoever. Absolutely not.”

Watson reaches blindly for the nearest chair, which happens to be at the kitchen table, and sits. 

“I have nothing against it, though,” he hastily adds. “It would not be my first time. Nor, I expect, my last.”

Watson is silent.

“Oh come now. Watson, you are a military man. Certainly you have, on occasion, found solace in a comrade-in-arms?”

“Firstly, this is not about me. And secondly, I do not expect someone with your life experience to be able to extrapolate the unique situations under which—“

“Watson. My point is lost. I wished to imply that one might participate in such activities without grave emotional repercussions.”

“Holmes. Those types of situations are brought about my a mutual lust that is diffused in order to more efficiently function. It is the exact opposite of what you are proposing. It was...would theoretically be...mutually beneficial.”

“Ah. Always looking out for my best interests, my dear Watson. Very well. Consider yourself on my gift list.”


	3. Chapter 3

“You intend to trade...sexual favours...for—” “I am not trading sexual favours for anything. As I have said, this is a gift. I can think of no better Christmas present than to offer something of great value.”

“—Though actually, trading makes more sense now that I think of it, since you’d get something out of the bargain. But the fact remains, you are not interested in sexual congress—”

“Not expecting something in return is rather the point of a gift, is it not?”

“— And furthermore, your partner would have to be—wait! Did you say...value?”

“I can read people remarkably well, Watson. Do you not agree?”

“Of course you can.”

“And I would be able to read their likes, dislikes, proclivities, secret desires. Who so more than I?”

“Your ego is ridiculous, you loon!”

“I do not exaggerate. To underestimate one’s abilities is as grave a sin as to overestimate them! And as for you...you might even show me a reason to develop an interest in such activities.”

“You think, that perhaps, if I were to—”

“No. Not a chance.”

“But you said there was no one you would prefer more!”

“And that is the truth. There is no one I’d prefer more. But—Watson—I should think you would very much like to be my tutor.”

Well someone clearly needs t— My God. You’re right. That is—exactly what I have wanted to do!”

“Of course I’m right.”

“And you think you can just do that sort of analysis with everyone still remaining on our list?”

“What a splendid idea!”

“Holmes!”

“Now who else is on the list? Declines are inevitable, but I would still have offered. And I can’t think of anyone who wouldn't at least be tempted.”

“Holmes, surely you can’t be—why the very idea that they'd all— I mean—”

Holmes took a moment to stare at him, his dark, penetrative eyes gazing straight into Watson’s soul. 

“I...mean... how—” He shook himself out of it. “ _Mrs Hudson!_ ”

“Lonely woman, doesn't leave the flat often. Hasn’t had a gentleman caller in over three years.”

“Mary...?”

“Has infinite curiosity regarding my appeal.”

“Family—your brother!” he says with confidence.

“You have no idea the reputation of Diogenes Club, have you? Though I will admit I would anticipate that as a decline. And if any should refuse my gift, I am not obliged to provide an alternative.” Holmes smiled. “Mycroft might even offer himself to me first. He is far too lazy to shop.”

“Thank God I've already given Gladstone a new collar to-day.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Mrs Hudson, wishing you all the joys of the season!”

Mrs Hudson stops on the stairs and examines Holmes closely. “Did you just, wish me a happy Christmas?”

“Indeed I did.”

“What have you done with the dog now?”

Holmes shoots a glance back at Watson. “I have done, and will do, nothing with the dog,”

“Will you be wanting to go out for Christmas dinner, then, or shall I prepare a goose?”

“I rather thought I might stay in. Will you be staying in as well?”

“Yes. I should think so, as I am needed to cook a goose.”

“Mrs Hudson. You are a woman who does not waste time on frivolous conversation, so I will do the same. I would like to offer you a special gift this holiday.”

“I’ve not a thing for you.”

“That is to be expected. But, in the spirit of the holiday, one should not give to get. I shall be blunt. I am offering you services of an intimate nature.”

“Of a what, now?”

“This Christmas, I would like to offer you my body, to partake of in whatever way you might wish.”

She frowned. “Does this mean you and Doctor Watson lost money on one of your boxing matches and now you can’t pay rent? Rent is not to be exchanged for other goods and...services.”

“No, not at all. Rent is secure.”

“Good.”

“So...”

“So...oh! So you want to know if I want to make a stitch?”

“Yes.”

“This one of your social experiments then?”

“No, no. Just a genuine offer. Which so can accept or decline as you see fit.”

“Well then, I accept.”

Holmes glanced quickly back at Watson and smiled. “Good! Good!”

“Christmas Day?”

“Yes, that will be fine. Christmas Day.”


	5. Chapter 5

Mycroft Holmes rose from his chair. “You are at my disposal.”

“Yes.”

“For services of a prurient nature.”

“Yes.”

“I can think of only two scenarios in which you would make me such an offer.”

“Yes?”

“One in which you require a degree of skill which you do not feel you possess and, acknowledging me as your superior in this arena in much the same manner as I am in all other arenas—it is not pride if it is fact, Sherlock—you genuinely seek my assistance. Someone who values discretion whom you can trust. Perhaps before you impart upon a relationship with the good doctor? Though I confess, I thought you had no interest in such matters.”

“You are quite correct. I have no interest in such matters.”

“The other scenario is in which you have waited until the last possible moment to purchase Christmas presents, your having disregarded my warning from the previous year’s disastrous attempt at gift-giving—”

“An autographed copy of The Strand in which I am featured is a thoughtful, and soon to be highly-collectible, gift.”

“You took my copy from off my reading table and, as Doctor Watson happened to be visiting along with you, bade him sign it as I was entering the Strangers’ Room. With the pencil I use for the crosswords. On the wrong page.”

“It’s the thought that counts.”

“Indeed. And you have put remarkably little thought into this situation in offering me the only thing you always have upon you...your body. And to teach you a lesson, my dear boy, I accept your offer. But I have a cabinet meeting today, so, it will have to be on Christmas Day.”

Holmes was nearly too stunned to speak. “Yes, yes, of course, meeting,” he repeated, his brother’s words taking a direct path from his ears to out his mouth without pausing for any connection within his brain, “Christmas Day


	6. Chapter 6

Holmes made his way back to Baker Street just as the telegraph boy was headed down the stairs.  
“Telegram from Scotland Yard, not marked urgent. Left it with Mrs ‘Udson.”

“Thank you, Charlie, and here’s something for your trouble.” Holmes flipped a shilling into the air and the boy caught it and put it in his pocket in one smooth motion.

“Thank you Mr ‘Olmes! I’d best be going.” He headed into the street.

Holmes saw the message laying upon the table.

LOOKING FORWARD TO CHRISTMAS SERVICE STOP 

G LESTRADE  
S HOPKINS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OP, I will get to Christmas Day as soon as the Slut Muse visits me.  
> In the meantime, have some BBC coming up.


	7. Chapter 7

Molly, I’m sorry to interrupt any plans you have for holiday celebrations. Sherlock did imply you would be more or less free as of the 24th. That you’d only be celebrating Solstice and, uh—”

“Saturnalia.”

“Saturnalia. Sorry. I...knew that, I’m just a little scattered is all. Saturnalia between the 17th and the 23rd.”

Molly was suddenly very quiet. “Did he...uh...say anything else?”

“No. No, just that he was going to head out to give you your...gift.”

Molly blushed.

“And. Ummm. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. To apologise, really, because... Because I suspect it was the same, uh, gift, I got and it kind of was all my idea. Well, I mean I started it. And I suspect your gift was...as bad as mine?”

“Oh no, John. You mean he...both of us?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you...” they began at the same time, each equally concerned for the other.

John laughed. “Oh, yeah, I’m perfectly fine physically, but, I’m working on the psychological aspect. I have an appointment with my therapist scheduled in two weeks. She couldn’t see me any sooner— Holidays and all. But then I thought maybe you and I could, talk about it a bit so I’d remind myself it really wasn’t about me.”

“Oh, it’s him all right! When is he coming back.”

“He went to visit family. He said he’d be a while. So...umm... tea?”

“Yes. Thank you.”

John put the kettle on and they waited in silence. Then, in an attempt to break the awkward moment, John began to explain.

“Sherlock was doing some sort of research about the most popular Christmas gifts for friends. Normally he has no issues picking things out for people, he’s quite good at it actually, but it was something about what a typical gift would be for a boyfriend to give to his girlfriend versus what that same man would likely give to an ordinary co-worker. I guess he wanted to confirm someone was having an affair. He said he could solve the case without leaving the sofa. Anyway... he was scanning these articles for quite a while and then he scowled and said something like ‘I have never bought a romantic partner a present, John, but if I had, I should think I would do better than to place a bow on top of my head.”

John brought over two cups of tea with milk and sugar and Molly joined him at the kitchen table.

“I told him that that sort of...gift...would be pretty much appreciated. A lot of people like sex, like to have sex, with someone they care deeply about. It’s not really ever a bad thing to offer.”

We got to talking, hypothetically, about if I would enjoy such a present.” John swallowed. “It was a rather enlightening conversation. What if I were to receive such a present from someone who I had only thought about in terms of friendship. How would I react then? Well. I told him that it would be difficult to answer that, because I had thought about him as possibly being...more than just a friend... on occasion, but I realised that it wasn’t exactly something that interested him. That’s when I found out Sherlock doesn’t particularly feel a need for sex, but, as he was sure to remind me he has said in the past, it doesn't alarm him, and it’s fine. So fine, in fact, that he took a bow off of a gift under the tree, put it on his head and said, ‘Happy Christmas, John.’”

“That sounds so romantic!”

“Oh, that it was. And he convinced me, rather eloquently, that he was serious. So, I took him up on it.”


End file.
